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Friday, June 8th, 2012
5:13 am
It's weird writing in this, since I haven't used it in so long.

Being single is full of ups and downs. But you all know about that.

Recently the hardest part of my life has been a feeling of ostracization and alienation. I love my sister. Hanging out with her is pleasant. But recently, I feel anytime I hang out with her, she spends a fair amount of time putting me down, making condescending comments. I feel like I fade into the background anytime she is present. And it's not only my sister. I feel like I have to fight to be included among my friends. The feeling of cliques has never gone away. But I'm on the outside of all of them now, looking in.

Hopefully, I'll feel better tomorrow.

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Sunday, December 11th, 2011
12:43 pm
What a difference a few days make. I actually feel much better than I did the other day. Probably shouldn't have written something in the depths of my despair.

Point being: I feel somewhat optimistic about life, and I'm ready to move on.

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Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
2:40 am
I am heart broken. Absolutely. I've never felt like this before. Usually the end of a relationship fills me with sorrow, and I feel like it will be too depressing to wake up the next day. But I always do, and it always feels better. This time is different. I feel devoid. Devoid of life, devoid of energy, devoid of emotion. I can't feel anything, and it hurts more than the sadness. I sobbed in my car on the drive home 20 minutes ago. And these were body wracking sobs, the kind that hurt to cry. And now I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything. All I can think about is how much this sucks for reasons like, "but his house is so close to campus", "this means I have to move back in with my parents". As a matter of fact, all I feel is tired, like he sucked all the life out of me. I would rather be sad. Crying is partially cleansing. But this is nothing. It's eating me from the inside out, and I can't make it go away.

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Tuesday, November 8th, 2011
1:52 pm
I've been really slacking on a lot of things recently. I've been bad about running, and homework, and everything.

I need to get back on track.

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Wednesday, September 21st, 2011
12:50 am
If you ever don't know what to talk to me about, I enjoy these topics:

Ethics of Medicine - all topics (antibiotic use, assisted suicide, life expectancy, etc.)
Dance - Swing, preferably
Music - Again, swing preferably
Really Anything to Do with Swing
How Gross Our Bodies Are

I know thats random, but, I've really enjoyed talking about this stuff recently, and I'd love to do it more!

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Monday, June 6th, 2011
11:44 am
My life is exhausting and stressful, and I miss everyone, but it takes so much energy to even see everyone. I'm just so tired. Also, I hate summer school. It crushes my soul. And swing cats classes start soon, and I'm supposed to be helping teach, and I barely have time. Blah!

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Wednesday, November 10th, 2010
12:04 am
I miss my friends. The worst part about it, I know it's my fault things have fallen by the wayside. It's just that hanging out with everyone gets more stressful, the longer the lapse in between, so, I don't, and the interval grows greater. It doesn't help that school is overly stressful, and I always have exams, or projects, or something due.

I need to change something in my life.

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Tuesday, July 13th, 2010
7:16 pm
So, I'm slightly frustrated with my living situation. Marissa backed out of the place we had agreed on. And she never told me that Becky would be living with us again. That came as a bit of a surprise, and being that the house I like is a 2 bedroom, that wouldn't work. I would be interested in keeping the place with another roommate, but I don't know who, and I want someone like me (doesn't drink, etc) to live with I really like Marissa and Becky, but I don't want to house hunt anymore, and I really like this place. Fuck.

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Friday, June 18th, 2010
3:16 am
Me and Ryan broke up.

That's it, that's all I got.

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Sunday, May 30th, 2010
5:00 pm
I'm in Paris! Safe and sound and unbelievably tired. It's better than my jetlag last time, where I was super nauseous for about a week, but being really tired is still kinda a drag. It's cold and wet here right now, as it drizzled for most of the day. I don't have a cell phone yet, as I keep having problems with various companies, and sim cards. However, even once I do get one, it would be better if everyone only contacted me through facebook. Much easier.
My host mom is super nice. She doesn't seem to mind that my french is a bit rusty, and that I don't understand a lot. And she cooks really well, which is awesome. I'm really glad I'm not vegan while I'm here because every meal has at least dairy, and sometimes meat. I wouldn't be able to eat anything if I was!! My roommate is cool too. She's super nice, and I think we'll get along well. The house is the most adorable thing ever. The hallways are so narrow I'm scared I'm going to knock things over. And all the walls are padded, with cloth, because our host mom is a seamstress, and she decorated that way. It's adorable! Also, we have two windows in our room that open to flowers on the sills, and a little patio below. We also have wifi, which is awesome.
School starts tomorrow, and I'm a little nervous, but, we'll see how it goes. My classes should hopefully be easy. I've been speaking only french with my host mom, and sometimes with my roommate, and our teachers speak english sometimes, but, french usually. Hopefully, if nothing else my french will improve some.
In spite of how amazing this trip has been so far, and how amazing it promises to be, it's gonna be work. I've been neglecting to think about how much work I will actually have to put in. Also, I'm already a little homesick. Not really for Tucson (or the gross heat), but for the people. I miss Ryan a lot, and I miss Rowan, and I miss my friends. I really wish this was something I could share with them.

Well, I've run out of things to say, and my host mom is talking to me, so, I should concentrate.

Je t'aime tout le monde.

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Thursday, May 27th, 2010
1:20 pm
I basically leave town very late this evening. It's odd, right now the emotion that is stronger than anything is fear. And I don't know why. Everyone else is so excited, and I keep having anxiety dreams about it.

Hopefully this trip/experience is worth it.

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Tuesday, April 20th, 2010
10:04 pm
My body has been wreaking havoc on me lately. I've been sick, or tired, or a combination of the two a lot recently.

I don't know why, but it has been incredibly frustrating. I was at the show tonight, only to start feeling very light-headed and nauseous. I was really disappointed, because I had really been looking forward to seeing people, and dancing with Max, haha. Instead, I'm in bed, feeling gross.

It's just frustrating.

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Sunday, April 18th, 2010
11:35 pm
I hate feeling obligated to do things, especially social things. It turns situations that should be pleasant and relaxing into something stressful.

Allison's party was a blast however, and I had a really good time, and was sad to leave.

I finally talked to Ryan about how I was feeling frustrated at our lack of activities, basically that I felt like we were falling into a rut. He thought I was breaking up with him. Poor boy. But, I'm feeling better now, and like I took a positive step forward. I'm not good at the whole communication thing, and it's hard for me to talk about problems I have with people with them, instead of just keeping it in my head.

All around, a pretty good weekend.

PS, I really want to dance. I haven't in so long. :-(

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Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010
11:12 pm
One of the scariest parts of a relationship is when I actually have to tell the other person things about myself that I don't normally share. I'm not good at that.

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Monday, February 8th, 2010
12:46 am
School stresses me out, and makes me sick.

Ryan relaxes me, but possibly also got me sick.

Go figure.

We're gonna learn to swing dance.

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Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
1:16 am
The last week or so (I think even longer now) has been really fantastic. School is going well. I have a job I like. Oh yea, and I started hanging out with Ryan every night. I have reached a level of overall satisfaction and happiness that I haven't felt for a very long time.

I'm feeling better about things than I have for as long as I remember.

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Wednesday, January 27th, 2010
3:13 pm
Feeling better. Feeling better. Feeling better. Feeling better. Feeling better. Feeling better. Feeling better.

But really. I feel better about the world.

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Thursday, January 21st, 2010
11:42 am
The last few days have been both extremely satisfying, and extremely frustrating.

I'm so glad that I have spent time with the people I have the last few days. I've had a really good time, and it's been nice to kinda, reconnect, or even connect for the first time.

The frustrating thing has been Pirmin. And for reasons I don't even want to go into. However, it's time to cut my losses and move on. It's a lost case, and I'm trying to be okay with that.

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Sunday, December 6th, 2009
3:49 am
In 2009, Nightmaregenius resolves to...
Give up edward scissorhands.
Be nicer to youwilllikeme.
Go to two-tone every Sunday.
Keep my glassjaw clean.
Buy new dirty minds.
Become a better anarchism.
Get your own New Year's Resolutions:

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Nightmaregenius sent to me...
Twelve movies drumming
Eleven scenesters piping
Ten vans a-leaping
Nine skrappy's dancing
Eight aquabats a-milking
Seven rumors a-swimming
Six simpsons a-laying
Five blo-o-o-ocked numbers
Four violent femmes
Three dirty minds
Two kinky shoes
...and a big in a bree.
Get your own Twelve Days:

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Friday, December 4th, 2009
1:16 am
At my house on December 12th, there will be a bracelet making party for Brootal Sun Fest. Everyone is encouraged to attend. Especially if you actually know how to make bracelets. Even more so if you can make words.

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